


The cold (it whispers)

by CrystallizedInsomniac



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drinking to Cope, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Instability, Misgendering, Other, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Stalking, does it count if the person is dead?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4778966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallizedInsomniac/pseuds/CrystallizedInsomniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time, they wrote it off as stress, a <i>coping method</i>.<br/>The next time Sasaki encounters Tooru speaking to himself, of course he worries (because he <i>knows</i> what it's like. To have a voice in your head that's not supposed to be there) and naturally, he inquires.</p><p>Tooru looks back, blinks and asks; "Sassan, who's Urie?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So after I finished writing that Soulmate AU, another idea popped into my mind. I'll update every Friday, because I have other series to work on, sadly, as much as I'd like to always write Mutsurie, it's not possible.

**01.**

Mutsuki remembers getting drunk once. 

The memory is present on his mind because it brings back a sense of nostalgia. Nostalgia he doesn’t do, because it means clinging to things in his pasts and as far as he knows, the only thing worth remembering from his past are his parents. Anything else is sour and dark. 

But, he does remember the taste of alcohol, the burn of his throat as he downed a shot (shots? He thinks there was more than one). He remembers cheering, a clap on his back and then the world swirling around and shouts of his name, hands, and finally blackness. When he woke up, he only did because he ended up almost choking on his vomit. 

He suffered through his first hangover alone and feeling like dying. ( Let it be said that he never again drank anything without checking its contents or what it is he's drinking. 

It’s only nostalgia, because there are other feelings attached to it that are alike to the ones he’s feeling right now. It’s nostalgia because he misses the way alcohol clouded his thoughts and he no longer had to think about the stares. Or the use of wrong pronouns, or how he’s wearing a dress right now. 

He doesn’t come up with any useless excuses to himself ( because it’s so hard to talk to the others about _this_ , they wouldn’t understand, never will ) when he takes the drink he’s being offered. He downs it and then goes to take another one, two turn to six, and _there’s_ a nice feeling.

Mutsuki’s not ashamed to admit that maybe he took advantage of any male in the perimeter that offered him drinks; a part of him just didn’t care that they didn't see him as what he really is, ( and a part of him, small and almost soundless, whispers _male_ not female, _male_ ). So he smiled, batted his eyelashes, and ignored the twisting of his stomach. _That_ would be easily resolved with more drinking.

He’s not content until he finally stops caring about the looks and the smile on his face is more genuine, more aloof.

He likes this, he likes it a lot. All he thinks about is just the pretty lights, the people around him but not with him (  _looking_ at him ).

He spots, someone off at the corner and his feet carry him there. There’s a smile on his face when he greets them and he doesn’t know ( remember ) what he said, but there’s an invitation to somewhere he deems important and there’s a three-second span before he spots a patch of white ( blonde? ) hair and he’s waving.

Then he’s running, almost stumbling, and reports to Sassan about the invitation. There’s a warm feeling on his chest when he receives praise, so he doesn’t get to see the confused looks on his teammates faces.

It’s so funny, they’re all wearing dresses. He doesn’t remember why, but it’s a funny picture. So of course, he drags Shirazu and Saiko to dance and then when the room’s spinning too much and he’s lost his footing he’s… 

He’s looking up at Shirazu, and he gives him a crooked smile. ‘So pretty, ah, ‘mma sleep now.’  

When he shuts his eyes, he’s out in an instant.

  

\- - -

  

The moment he opens his eyes, he immediately regrets it. There's a difficult choice to pick when it comes to either a) the sun's too bright and shining too much ( and it should definitely tone it down a bit ) and b) there's an oncoming headache that's bound to be worse. 

So he turns around until his back is facing the window, and the light coming from the window dapples across the room, Mutsuki concentrates on one spot before he feels his eyes slip shut.

 

\- - -

 

His mouth feels like sand, his throat feels like it's cracking. His head is killing him and the room's somewhat spinning. All in all, Mutsuki feels like _death_ has taken claim of his body. He might be overreacting though, but it still is an unpleasant feeling. He has a vague feeling that maybe the RC cells have something to do with the fact that this hangover might not be as bad as it's supposed to be. 

He really doesn't care as long as he's not throwing up. ( On the bright side, it's the first time he's gotten drunk and not perished on his sleep by vomit. As far as he knows, there's better ways to go. Vomit-induced death? Well, if whatever entity that's watching over him decides that his death will be caused by vomit, then so be it. ) 

It takes him ten minutes to stand up, about two to place his feet on the cold floor and thirty seconds after before he's looking around, spots a glass of water ( or he hopes it is ) on the nightstand next to his bed and then he's downing it like it's the last glass of water on earth. 

It's not enough, but it'll do. He's not going out to the living room reeking of alcohol and sweat. The dress he wore last night was sticking to his skin uncomfortably, and he's somewhat glad that no one had bothered to undress him while he was most likely unconscious.

( He comes to this conclusion because in all honesty? He doesn't remember anything past the dancing, and he's pretty sure he was not in the right state of mind to lead himself to his room, let alone get a glass of water for the morning. )

Mutsuki isn't going to lie, he finds it tempting to just lie down and not do anything for the rest of the day. He has a vague feeling that maybe Sassan will let him have this day off, but still... 

It doesn't feel right, the team does so much and he feels more like a burden than an actual teammate. So he sucks it up, looks for his eyepatch, takes the filthy dress off and wraps himself around his towel before heading towards the bathroom.

He can deal with social interaction, even if his step is more slow and his reflexes feel sluggish( er than usual ) and besides, it's best to start his day good and not lying on bed just because he was irresponsible enough to drink carelessly.

The only good side to everything is that he doesn't remember last night's event. They're a blur, and it's better than knowing what he knows actually happened, happened being that he may or may have not been actually pleased with the use of ' _lady_ , and _she's_ and _her_ ' because it meant more alcohol.

( In his bathroom, in his room, he feels so much safer because the only eyes that stare at him are only his own. )

  

\- - -

 

When he walks out of his room, he's not really hungry and it's somewhere around noon, _lunch_. Sassan's not in the house, Shirazu and Saiko are both playing one of Saiko's games on the living room's tv and when Mutsuki walks in, two pair of eyes settle on his frame and he gives a timid smile.

             'Sleeping beauty has awaken, I guess there's no need for that kiss,' Saiko comments and Mutsuki _swears_ there's a sigh somewhere in there.

Shirazu pouts, but the way his eyes glint say that he's finding the situation amusing. 'Aw, that sucks. We wanted to see who's your prince char- _Oi!_ Saiko! _Not fair!'_

Mutsuki can't help but snort at the fact that Saiko took Shirazu's distraction to unpause the game and beat him. Without taking his eyes out of the game, Shirazu moves to the right of the couch to give Mutsuki some space for him to sit down.

When he does, he brings his feet up and sits crossed-legged. The coffee table is full of junk food and he doesn't bother asking if one of the bags belongs to his two teammates, he takes one and puts his hand inside. He's munching on some cheese chips when Saiko wins yet again.

Shirazu's cursing the living daylights out of her.

             'Say, how long was I out?' He asks, genuinely curious.

             ''bout ten hours give or take,' Shirazu shrugs. Then after getting beat by Saiko yet again, he fishes out some money from his pocket and throws it at Saiko, Mutsuki raises an eyebrow at the blue-haired girl, who's more than happy to claim what's supposed to be the prize for beating Shirazu.

Mutsuki's now noticing the money that surrounds Saiko, and if Shirazu's retreat to the kitchen while fuming is anything to go by, they've been at it for a while. ( And Shirazu's losing ) 

Saiko's content, rubbing the money between her fingers and then mumbling happily, 'mamma's going to be buying a new set of headphones.' 

             'Hey Saiko, where's Sassan?' 

She looks at him, tilts her head to the side and Mutsuki can almost see the gears working on her head to remember what Haise said, then, she speaks, 'Maman said something about going out to meet um, someone... it involves you though.'

Mutsuki can't help but frown, there's a question at the tip of his tongue to ask for a more specific answer, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye.

He turns his head to the spot and squints, but he can't see anything. 

Though he _swears_ he saw- 

             'I want a fucking rematch!' Shirazu's voice startle him, and the next moment the couch's dipping and Saiko's laughing softly. 

             'Bring it on, loser.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I hadn't specified in the last chapter, but I'll be following the manga loosely starting from ch. 13

**02.**

Once, he was asked what his favorite weapon was, and his answer was immediate. Knives. Knives, all sorts of ( though he harbors a special liking to daggers ) them are what he'd consider his favorite weapon. Knives offer a short-distance fighting, more hand-to-hand combat, it means that he's able to tell what his opponent is about to do. It means that he can keep an eye on his opponent, block and attack back. It makes him feel more confident on fights.

He likes the way his quinques feel almost natural on his hands, he grips them, runs his fingers softly on the sharpened edges. He's good at them, really good, at least, that's what Juuzou says.

Except he lacks the confidence to wield them correctly, because freezing up causes death ( your death ) and it doesn't matter if wielding close-range weapons is your thing, is written in your DNA, if you freeze you're dead, things work like that.

Mutsuki likes to think he's good with knives, he just needs to stop doubting so much and just act.

Then Suzuya juggles their knives ( Mutsuki counts at least ten ) like it's almost as easy as breathing ( but then Associate Special Class Suzuya keeps them inside their coat like they're a part of their body, so it might be like breathing ) and then he realizes that he's not ( good enough ).

But Juuzou doesn't scold him, they praised him when Mutsuki walked in with them to their training quarters and almost had a face full of knife that he managed to avoid, because Mutsuki caught on to the movement. That's how Associate Special Class Suzuya decided that Mutsuki's good, he just needs to overcome his fear.

             'It's not the knives in particular, I'm just afraid of losing myself.' Mutsuki decides, the words taste like honesty, like he's coming to understanding himself by saying it.

             'Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy.' They say, and Mutsuki understands.

( Though he doesn't say that fear is neither his enemy or friend, fear is indifferent to Mutsuki and a backstabbing one at it. ) 

The rest of the week is spent training, which is why when the day comes, he's not ready.

( He's not ready, to go back to being seen as a female, he doesn't want the stares, he wants the comfort. )

Mutsuki's never been alcoholic, he doesn't get happiness from drinking, yet he wants the oblivion, he wants to forget. But he's on a mission, he remembers.

He gives Sasaki and the Q's a thumbs up, he smiles, everything's going to go according to plan. It's going to be _just fine_. 

 

\- - -

 

He thinks, _it's okay_ , Associate Special Class Suzuya is also with him, _nothing's_ going to go wrong.

 

 

\- - -

 

But then things _do_ go wrong. When he wakes up alone and with darkness where memories after getting inside the car with Nutcracker and Associate Special Class Suzuya should be, instead he gets blackness and fuzziness. It makes his head pound, so he settles himself for the other option.

When contacting doesn't work, he settles for calming down, he's breathing in quick sharp breaths ( this is confinement, and it's driving him crazy ) and then there are hands.

The hands push and pull and he's too preoccupied trying to calm down ( _calmdowncalmdown_ ) that he doesn't notice when he's pushed and there aren't hands to avoid his fall, so he crumbles and there's a white light, a spotlight on him.

And he can feel thousands of gazes on him, and his brain short-circuits.

( He registers a single voice that screams, _get me out! I can't I ca- can't... can'tcan't_ ) 

( Calmly analyze the situation, I... I'm- auction hall.)

_Clink_

( I am... )

**Clank.**

             'This one smells very unusual.' the voice, man, says. There goes his eyepatch.

He's vulnerable.

( Mutsuki registers the sound of 'ten million' and then shouting, so much noise so much attention, someone get him out of there, he can't deal! he can't deal he can't _he can't-_ )

  
 

\- - -

 

             'Thirty million!'

( What can I do alone? )

             'Fifty million!'

( Suzuya save me, save me save me )

( fight? am I... the others, fighting? no- fight me? )

There's a hand on his shoulder, the noise quiets down, he knows, he's sure that if a needle were to drop he'd hear it, clearly, loudly.

He concentrates on the voice. Because the ghoul is not talking, he's simply there, hand on Mutsuki's shoulder, like he's the light, the hope to which Mutsuki'll cling. But it feels wrong ( _wrong wrong wrong_ ) and he wants to get away, to not listen, and he tries.

He _does_ try.

             ' -------------- '

  
 

\- - -

 

He follows, because that's all he can do. He follows but he can't see where he's going.

His mind is oddly calm, white, empty. There's no noise.

Usually, he starts to panic whenever there's nothing to think about, because there's always something to think about. But Tooru can't see, he can't listen ( oh, but he _can_ hear ). He walks in white ( white, like the spotlight ) and he _hears_ words ( and the sound of heels, two, and screams, noise, _people_ ) and there's a hand, and it's also white, it blends, _he cannot see_. 

He tries to remember what the man said. He draws a blank.

             'A kiss for two hundred million!' there's a female voice, but Tooru can't see her. Then she kisses him, on the cheek. He knows, because he can feel that, but it's so weird, like it never happened, because the whiteness doesn't feel, doesn't talk, so there must be _someone_ else with him.

It's the first sign that something's wrong, but he can't pull the pieces together quickly. There are no pieces, just emptiness. He... he can put together emptiness, it's possible... and if it's not then he can do it.

The rest of the walk all he hears is ' _two hundred million_ '.

( and the only thought that passes by his empty mind is that he's not worth it. )

  
 

\- - -

 

Then suddenly he remembers. The gears in his brain start to function and it only takes him two seconds to make Nutcracker fall and start running away, he for once, is grateful to be wearing heels because when all he can hear is a startled ' _o-ouch!_ ' and ' _wa-wait!_ ' he knows he can escape.

or at least go somewhere where he can contact the CCG.

 _The operation failed. Help won't come._ The ghoul said that, but Mutsuki knows that it's not true. Otherwise the screaming and the commotion wouldn't be happening. Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to escape Nutcracker's grasp so easily, there would be other ghouls tracking him down. 

He takes this time to lock himself up in the storage room, he slides down to sit down and analyze the situation. ( Because, he's good at that, analyzing... he doesn't have his weapons, his daggers, he doesn't have Suzuya with him and that's all he can do, he can be useful, in the normal way ).

He needs to team up with the CCG, but then he thinks about how the ghouls knew about the operation at all. Had Nutcracker known? Had all of this been a plan, had they'd been played? He doesn't get how-

             'Servus.' a voice says, german, Mutsuki thinks.

He doesn't want to look up, maybe he could pretend to be deaf. But the ghoul, they take a step forward and he can't help it. 

             'What are you doing?' he asks, and Mutsuki can't reply ( won't reply ).

Or rather, Mutsuki doesn't reply because he knows that the ghoul is simply making small talk to amuse himself, to get a reaction out of Tooru, and that, he thinks, he won't give him the satisfaction of it.

When the ghoul takes another step, something flips, its something akin to panic, but Mutsuki doesn't care.

             'Don't come!' He warns ( pleads ) and then looks at the ghoul, again, and realizes, 'Yo- you're that guy who participated in the bidding war!'

He remembers the mask, it seems unimportant at the time, because of the eyes, the light. But he remembers now, the highest bid.

( He hears, Nutcracker, somewhere distant, singing, _two hundred million two hundred million_ )

He looks at Tooru, he doesn't need the ghoul to remove his mask to realize that he's staring at Tooru. The tension in the air, it's hard to breathe in, his gaze burns.

He says, like he cares about Tooru's approvance, 'I'd like to confirm something first.'

Then, two things happen at once, and it takes Tooru a minute fully comprehend what it is.

He's on the ground, wincing, there is pain and his dress is starting to soak up the blood. The ghoul, the purple haired ghoul, he licks his blood ( Tooru's _blood_ ) and then falls, there's movement, and then there's another ghoul. Or a CCG member, Mutsuki can't quite tell.

They move in blurs, and then finally, the new person ( ghoul? ) stands on top of purple-haired ghoul, and Mutsuki doesn't need to see their face to realize who it is.

( He pleads, he begs, please don't let it be him please- )

             ' _Thank God,_ ' He says ( Torso ), like he's not covered in blood, like he just hasn't beaten up the other ghoul. Like he hadn't punched and almost killed Tooru back at the taxi that day.

Mutsuki, he decides, he doesn't want this. He runs away.

The apologies, they fall on deaf ears. He's running, away from everything.

  
 

\- - -

 

He's a liar if he says he didn't feel or hear the oncoming attack. He was just too blinded by pure, unadulterated fear, that he just didn't mind it. Not until it pierced, not until he kept running, not until the kagune dislodged itself from his stomach and left a bloody mess in it's wake.

And Mutsuki leans on a wall, closes his eyes ( because, he's _finally_ , finally away from them ) and whimpers.

_Where is everyone?_

( And he's back to being alone, he doesn't have anyone. He wants his family, _he wants to meet them._ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't update yesterday, dad brought home a chow puppy and I had to take care of her, sadly I can't keep her because it's a female and my family's never had a female dog and i'm not 100% certain of being able to start taking care of one. Plus, chows man, their hair, lil fluffy balls of hair seriously.  
> Sadly I'm already attached and he just left with her, so I'm sort of down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated today, because I could, plus, I wanna move out of the Auction Raid quickly so we can finally start with the actual plot.  
> there will be another chapter out tomorrow still.

**03.**

If he keeps walking maybe he can get away. So Mutsuki does, he walks slowly, but he walks. Leans on the walls for support as the blood dries on his dress, sticks to his skin, _uncomfortable_. He can feel the muscles and his insides stitching back up together, it means he's healing and it's soothing ( but it's not a blessing ) but doesn't make the lightheadedness disappear. He feels sick. 

He focuses on his steps and the slow drip of blood, runs down his leg, ends up on the floor with a small _splat_. He thinks it should bother him, staining the floor, but then the halls are lined up with dead investigators, ghouls, and he can't find the will to care. They've marked with their blood the walls and floor, but they're dead, and Mutsuki's not, so he can taint the floors.

Mutsuki's not sure, if, following the trail of dead bodies means he'll get any closer to finding someone from the CCG or if he'll encounter Nutcracker again, but he really can't find the will to worry. On one side, he finds the loneliness comfortable ( because his brain is slowly filling in the empty spaces, and he can _think_ ) because it's only him, him and him. Then, he thinks, it's so lonely, he wants someone stronger than him, someone who's not wounded, someone who could help him get rid of the cuffs that dig into his wrists.

Sometime later, when he can't seem to find anyone else and his legs are beginning to kill him. Mutsuki takes a rest, he tells himself, ten minutes, but it might have been so much more. He can't close his eyes to sleep, despite the heaviness of his eyelids, so he settles for simply sitting down with his back to the wall, and he breathes, in and out, and stares into a corpse that once held life. If it's a ghoul or a CCG, he can't tell, it's all a bloody mess.

He might try to deny it at a later date, but right now, he can't help but feel glad that he's not going to end up like one of the corpses. Call it a hopeful hunch, but despite being alone and unable to take the cuffs off, he feels like he's not going to die. And if he is, he'd rather it not be by the hands of a ghoul, not if he's defenseless and weaponless.

Ten minutes ( but he knows it's been much more ) later, he finds himself walking with more purpose ( and a fire extinguisher he managed to find ), his feet take him somewhere he doesn't know if it's safe or not. But after rounding a lot of corners, walking through endless halls ( all smelling of death and blood ) and not encountering a single ghoul, CCG member or sounds, he feels like maybe he's getting to the exit.

No one wants to stay for their deaths, so the exits might be either completely devoid of life or completely full with CCG members.

 _He needs to regroup with the squad_ , is the first thought that access his brain. Then the second is for his eyes to regard the person standing almost at the end of the hall, they move, and something feels wrong. Mutsuki can't quite place why that is, but he stares at red eyes, and then his brain manages to click the pieces together. 

             "And where are you going, _kaetzchen_?" He smiles, it doesn't reach his eyes. 

And Mutsuki can't quite manage to feel fear, just confusion and dread. He should be dead, Torso should've killed him. But he's here, standing, the faintest trace of bruises slowly leaving his white skin. 

Mutsuki doesn't know if to find comforting the fact that the ghoul has ditched the mask, preferring to find Mutsuki without it, and it screams to him like this is final. The ghoul doesn't care if Mutsuki get's a good look of his face, because to him ( the ghoul ) this is the last time Mutsuki's going to try to escape, and _fail_.

Ice grips his stomach, makes it clench painfully, and Mutsuki can only stare as the ghoul marches forward, determination and something akin to bubbling annoyance in the way he looks at him. He's talking, too much, and Mutsuki, he doesn't care, he doesn't want to listen.

If he grips the fire extinguisher too tightly, he doesn't notice. 

He watches as the ghoul advances with the motive to harm. Then, another kagune shots from behind Mutsuki, blocking the oncoming attack. Mutsuki's eyes widen and it's not fear that settles in his heart this time. It's warmth and comfort, he really doesn't need to look back to know who's here, and he breathes out, finally ( and it feels like a huge boulder has been replaced by a feather strapped to his ankle, and he swims to the surface and breathes back the _pure_ air ), _finally_ he's safe.

             "Sorry for being late."

 

And Mutsuki thinks, Sasaki can take all the time in the world, but he'll always show up.

  

**\- - -**

  

In the end, the ghoul ends up escaping. Mutsuki doesn't want to think about the barricade that he left behind, but he couldn't have helped but admire with awe as he detached his kagune and from the floor the grew, like vines and hardened. It reminded him of thorns, the ones of roses.  

Shirazu and Saiko appeared soon enough, and when Shirazu handed him his quinque, Mutsuki didn't hide the way his eyes lit up with the feeling of his daggers in hand, he felt more secure. 

Shirazu gave him his coat while Saiko muttered soothing comments to Mutsuki, which he welcomed a whole lot. He might have been injured and almost died a while back, but none of that seemed to matter in the slightest because he was finally surrounded by his squad.

Still, he couldn't help but trail his gaze towards Haise, who was speaking into his comms in a low tone. Then he turned around and informed them that Mutsuki would be going back to headquarters. 

The thought should have been comforting, he could go back and rest. He was done with the mission, but instead, he couldn't help but acknowledged the feeling of disappointment that was slowly taking claim of his body and mind. ( Useless, _useless_ ) 

In the end, Saiko was the one to accompany him throughout the building. They didn't get really far, but by then Mutsuki was aware of his surroundings. It took some convincing to do, but in the end he told Saiko that he'd be fine on his own, he had his quinques and he was fine, he could get to headquarters by himself.

Saiko, god bless her soul, didn't relent until she was sure that Mutsuki was actually alright. Then she went off, and Mutsuki found himself alone. He'd love to say that he turned back around and tried to still be part of the fight, but his stomach was killing him, and the grip on his quinque was slowly losing edge.

When he was finally safe and being taken to the CCG's headquarters, he couldn't help but fall asleep. It was the only way to block out the feelings of being useless and weak.

 

**\- - -**

 

In the end, Big Madam ended up escaping.  The Auction Raid was not a total sucess, but they had been able to get some important information out of everything. The moment Mutsuki was deemed okay for a debriefing, he had told what he'd encountered, as well as some things that simply didn't make sense.

( Like the fact that it was supposed to be auction, but even so, most of the ghouls present were part of Aogiri and the White Suits ended up being part of the crowd. And not only that, but Tooru recalls that there were thousands of ghouls, and the CCG hadn't been able to locate them all. Which only meant they had been hiding somewhere where the CCG hadn't been able to find. )

Shirazu tells him that he managed to take down Nutcracker, and even though it should sound like something really big and he's supposed to be celebrating this. It just doesn't feel right, he says it like he's still coming to terms with it, but there's a sad tone to his voice which he tries to ignore with smiles that don't reach his eyes.

And if Saiko stops coming out of her room and no amount of knocking or bribes of food is offered and when they do see her ( rare moments ) she seems more tired, the dark bags under her eyes more prominent... well, they don't ask questions. 

Every single one of them lost or gained something that day, and it's taken a toll on them. Haise tries to keep a positive attitude, but they all end up realizing that it's just tiring. Not that they drop the efforts, sure, it takes a month or two, but slowly everything goes back to how it's supposed to be. They spend more time on the living room, Mutsuki trains with Suzuya a whole lot more ( who seems, sometimes, far away ) and they work on getting better. 

They _do_ get better. They do, and they're promoted, Saiko, Shirazu and Mutsuki himself end up getting promoted to Rank 2, and that's when they know, things might start to look up more in the future.

 

**\- - -**

 

But then, Mutsuki's not getting better. He can still feel the eyes, the dread of feeling like he's not alone in his bedroom. And sometimes, when he's dozing off he can see a silhouette, gone when he opens his eyes.

And sometimes, when he's sleeping, he can feel cold fingers through his hair. But it's more of a distant memory when he wakes up and he writes it off as his paranoia.

So if he sees a shadow, lingering so much more on a corner. Or when he's reading, catching movement out of the corner of his eye, he remains quiet to it. _He's doing fine._

( _He's okay_ , he tells himself, but knows that it's not the case. ) 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say I was going to update on Fridays, but that might change.  
> Which is why here's another chapter. I'm surprised this fic's already on 30 kudos, thank you!

**04.**

It's on a rainy Saturday morning that Mutsuki notices that something's wrong.

It however, ( the _thing_ that is wrong ) does not mean that he hadn't noticed before. He just shrugged it off as stress and maybe, a part of his brain chalked it off as his paranoia following the Auction Raid. But it's been almost half a year and there is no possible way that the events still affect him to this day. He hasn't met or seen Torso in that time span, hopefully never again, but then it means he doesn't have a reason to pin the _thing_ on Torso anymore. Nor his stress.

He briefly wonders, if he shows PTSD symptoms, but he feels fine. He feels better than he's ever felt before, if you exclude the lack of sleep at times. It might be because of his improvement with his quinque ( read: he doesn't fear using them now ) and the confidence he's been building up. So it might not be mental, more like physical. But it still does not make sense.

He has a mug on one hand, warm and smelling of honey and lemon. It's early, probably somewhere around 6:30am, and he hasn't been able to sleep because his room is freezing. Instead of trying to fall back into peaceful slumber ( something that he's enjoying a whole lot more because sleeping is more of a privilege, and it's not going to be long before the bags under his eyes become more prominent ) he headed out into the kitchen, made himself some honey tea and then wandered around the chateau.

He ended up settling himself on one of the couches, curled up on the pillows and quietly drinking his beverage. The only reason as to why he doesn't go back into his room it's because it just doesn't feel _right_. The chateau's temperature dropped because of the rain, but his room was just freezing, no amount of sweaters or long-sleeved shirts would do anything to change the temperature.

There's a fleeting thought of telling Sasaki about it, the problem with his room, as he takes another sip of the beverage. Enjoying the way the honey sweetened his mouth, the warmth of it making his body shudder in pleasure, it's good, really good. He briefly wonders why he doesn't do this, indulge himself early every morning.

The rain, it's a nice touch. And Mutsuki finds himself drifting off to the sound of the soft splatter against the window outside. He finished his drink, licking the edge of the mug to get the leftover and then sets the mug down, turns so his body is facing the window and then leans on the couch's armrest. 

Mutsuki watches as the rain droplets roll down the window, and he closes his eyes, losing himself in the soft sounds, still not prominent on the otherwise silent house. He knows that his teammates will not be waking up if not for a couple of hours later, so he takes pleasure in the silence, in the feeling of being alone.

Until he hears something that doesn't fall into pieces of the puzzle. It's not rain, and it's too soft ( too light ) to be someone's footsteps. But they are, footsteps, just none that he's aware of. They are not right, and they make Mutsuki's body tense.

He hears them, barely, drowned out by the sound of the rain. Mutsuki doesn't open his eye, trying to focus solely on the sound. It wavers, never being too loud or soft, never at the same pace. It almost seemed like whoever was walking was tiptoeing and then stopping.

Finally, they stop. And Mutsuki can feel a bloom of coldness enveloping his body, sweat begins to collect at his back and he shifts. Trying to listen again, but doesn't hear anything anymore. However, the room feels cold, colder. Like his bedroom.

At this, he opens his eye and then sits up right. Tucking a strand of loose green hair ( how bothersome, he'll need to get it cut once more ) behind his ear. He inspects his surroundings with closely, trying to see if anything's out of place, but everything seems normal. Like it was just before he closed his eyes.

But there's a pressure on the room and it hits him directly on his chest, and it tightens around his body. He's finding it difficult to breathe, but that's not one of his top priorities right now, because the coldness, it's unbearable and he can _feel_ the footsteps now. His eye darts from corner to corner, and he lets out a shaky breath. There's _nothing_ , the 'footsteps', they were just rain. 

Mutsuki closes his eye, breathes in and out. When he stands up, it almost feels like his legs are made of paper and he finds that he needs to grab onto the coffee table to support himself. He feels something brush against his leg, and his breathing hitches.

It feels, for a tiny second, like the time has stopped ( and how peculiar, he shouldn't know what _that_ feels like ) and something rotten, decaying has taken full residence of his feelings. Then it's gone, in a blink of an eye.

Mutsuki doesn't hesitate, he's leaving the room before anything else happens. Shaking and breathless, he locks himself up on his room, he doesn't leave it until Shirazu comes inside and asks him if he wants to accompany him to the park.

 

**\- - -**

 

'Ah, um....' He hesitates briefly, his gaze intense on his reflection on the knife he's holding. Sasaki besides him, offers a soft hum to show he's paying attention and Mutsuki sighs, continues cutting up the vegetables.

If he concentrates on cutting, then maybe the words wouldn't be really hard to get out. Yet, as he cuts and puts away, he can't help but wonder what Sasaki's reaction to his question would be. Sure, the man was more than used to his team's odd behaviour and weird activities when bonding together ( he remembers once, when Saiko decided that they should make an ice throne for her to sit on, it was a hot day and the idea of cooling off while building something to get their minds to focus on anything else was tempting. They ended up with a lot of soaked furniture and a distressed leader ) so maybe if Mutsuki asked, he'd be welcomed with a simply eyebrow-raise.

It didn't kill to ask. So as he dumped the vegetables on the stew, he turned to face his superior. Then after a minute of consideration, resumed to cutting up even more stuff. 'Have you been noticing anything... weird around lately?'

Mutsuki watches out of the corner of his eye as Sasaki falters slightly before continuing on stirring the stew. 'No. What'd you mean?'

             'Just, it's been colder lately around here, that's all.' He says quickly, and then bites the inside of his cheek. That was a stupid reply, and Mutsuki doesn't have to look to his side to know that Sasaki's eyebrow is raised, it's the thing Mutsuki knows that if he were to actually see, meant that he'd spill out everything.

( He doesn't want to, won't talk about what happened that morning, because if he admits to himself out loud that something is actually going on, paranormal maybe?, then it means that he's _not_ okay. )

             'But I guess it's just the weather right?' He does turn around now, and settles his gaze on Sasaki's forehead, because it's better than having to look at Sasaki's grey eyes. It takes his mentor a second to reply, but then a smile takes place on his face and Mutsuki can feel himself begin to unwind, not so tense anymore.

             'Yeah, it's been raining a lot lately. Maybe that's why it's been colder, although it is a nice change from the usual weather.' Sasaki turns off the stove, and then looks at Mutsuki. 'But enough about the weather, I'm pretty sure you do have something to tell me.'

Of course, _of course_ he wouldn't get away with it so easily.

Mutsuki  opens his mouth to reply, but as soon as he does, Saiko walks inside the kitchen and instantly demands Sasaki's attention.

Mutsuki barely hears Saiko asking for something and Sasaki's reply as he slips out of the kitchen.

The words on the tip of the tongue and he swallows them, they feel bitter. 

He realized earlier what the unknown feeling was.

_Death._

 

**\- - -**

 

He feels like following the coldness is a stupid idea, a really moronic idea. But now that he knows what the feeling is, he's somewhat curious to find what exactly is causing it. Could it possibly be something that has negative vibes? He's not one to believe in spirits or the belief of certain items having some sort of aura to them. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't try to get close to certain items around the chateau.

So far, none of them seemed to be working. So Mutsuki decides to go into his room, the place where he first felt the feeling. When he stops outside his door, the wave, the feeling, it engulfs him, and he feels like he's not doing something that's right. Yet, his hand it's on the doorknob and he's turning it.

When he opens the room, it's silent, and then when he steps inside, the coldness encloses around him and sucks him right in. He feels like he's falling and dying, and there are hands pulling. ( He recalls back to the whiteness, the hands that push and pull and it's all too much, too mu-)

He doesn't realize when the door closes behind him. And then, he's able to breathe, and his vision begins to regain its depth ( and the room, it too becomes more detailed, not so blurred ) and that's when notices the form on a corner, looking out a window.

There is alabaster skin that stands out amidst the blackness. Mutsuki, thinks briefly that it's a male ( he can tell because of his shoulders and his posture) and can distinguish the messy black hair. His clothes, where clothes should be, he can't distinguish, he can't describe. But it's all dark. He's staring at the person's back, and as if the person's noticed Mutsuki's presence in the bedroom, he turns around, and it's sort of a glitchy movement. Not fluid, but certainly somewhat there, it doesn't feel natural.

Then, Mutsuki's staring at the dark inky pool of orbs. They are lifeless and cold, and his eyes, the color, so unnatural and _big,_ they resemble the same shade of dark that is the guy's hair. There are two moles underneath one of his eyes, and his skin, it seems impossibly white. His eyes, they stare and stare, and it almost feels like he's sucking all of the energy out of the room. ( Out of Mutsuki. )

He doesn't speak, and Mutsuki doesn't utter a single word, because he can't find anything to say. His brain, it says, repeats, like a broken record. _Death, death death._

He feels like puking. His fingers, the tip, they hurt. It's so cold in here.

Finally, the person blinks and Mutsuki's snapped out of his trance and where fear and dread should be, all he feels is death. This person's death, he reeks ( not literally ) of it, he's the epitome of it and Mutsuki feels like it's familiar.

( Of course it is, investigators are always fighting alongside death, it is a familiar companion. )

Maybe, that's why, he doesn't stop himself when he takes a step forward and the figure doesn't move. Maybe that's why, when he's close enough and his hands are shaking and they're reaching upwards to touch the skin that he knows feels wrong, he doesn't stop. Mutsuki simply doesn't think.

When he cups the person's face, he can't feel anything else but death, _quietus._ He opens his mouth to speak and instead licks his lips, the movement catches the person's attention.

When those eyes ( and now, close, Mutsuki realizes there are no pupils, it's all drowning in darkness ) move slowly, so slow it almost seems like he's not moving them, and they settle on his lips. Mutsuki finally regains his words.

He ignores the itching, the burning of his throat, and instead closes even more. The coldness is numbing his fingers, his skin, but not as much as the person's aura and his gaze seems to make Mutsuki's brain short-circuit ( because he knows he should be freaking out over the fact that there's someone in his room and no one's noticed, that he hasn't back out and called his squad leader ) and simply act.

Finally, he speaks, and he thinks for a second, that the person ( no, the _entity_ , because no person can have this effect on people, on _him_ ) is the one that allowed him to speak. 

             'You've got peculiar eyes.' His voice comes out soft, almost too low. It's not what'd he meant to say, he meant to ask what the person is, what he's doing here. But then he looked at his eyes and all he could think about was that, his eyes, big and dead.

He doesn't receive an answer. And it's okay, Mutsuki thinks, he wasn't expecting one anyways. 


	5. Chapter 5

**05.**

In all honesty, he'd sort of been expecting the entity to disappear as soon as Mutsuki had touched him ( them? ). He doesn't know why actually, and it's sort of hard to concentrate on more thoughts than just paying attention to the entity, because as it is, it's sort of hard to stop thinking about them. The thoughts ( unrelated, questioning ) seem to vanish as soon as they manage to make sense in his head.

All he really thinks about is breathing, because when an entity that is the metaphor to death is being held by Mutsuki's hands, it's only natural that Mutsuki'd cling to what meant he was alive, and that, that was breathing. Breathing, which was sort of becoming a difficult task to accomplish when he's drowning in the inky dark pools.

He breaks the entity's alluring gaze, the numbness on his hands don't bother him anymore. He traces one thumb on the edge of pale lips, and they part slightly, if possible, the trickle of breath that assaults Mutsuki's skin is something akin to venom ( it burns, so it's the first thing he thinks of ) and he withdraws with a soft hiss. He can feel his brows furrowing and his gaze is instantly on his thumb, in the process, he takes a step or two back and his other hand leaves the cold face. 

Despite the lingering feeling of flesh rotting and the numbness on his hands that seem to be gradually disappearing, there is no visible change on his skin or hands. There's only the wake of goosebumps that envelop his arms, but anything other than that, there is no giveaway to the other's presence. 

Mutsuki takes a full breath, clears his head and then decides, that maybe having another look wouldn't be so bad. It's so tempting, and soon enough he finds himself staring at blackness once more. Although, the eyes, they don't look so dead anymore, they don't shine, remain dull, but there is _something_ in there. 

The entity opens their mouth ( and Mutsuki's thumb, it tingles just a bit ) and it's such a small movement that Mutsuki misses it. His lips are drawn to a thin line, and he's slowly moving. Not like it's the way he's supposed to move, more like he's being cautious, like he's testing new waters, and he's reaching out-

Something in Mutsuki's brain clicks and he can hear the gears turning.

There's a second where his eyes widen and the entity stops and when Mutsuki takes a step back to regain whatever space had been between the two before, the entity's hand shoots out and brushes against Mutsuki's arm, or rather, it goes right _through_ his arm, and he's holding out with a fist as if he'd meant to catch Mutsuki's wrist.

It only takes another look at the fist before Mutsuki's deciding he needs to leave _now_. He doesn't know why ( of course, he does, he _does_ know why ) but it's the most important thing now. This feeling, this intense feeling it's making him sick and he's sort of freaking out here, because there is death in his bedroom, and it's reaching out _towards_ him. 

When his hand finds the doorknob, he doesn't even bother looking back, he runs out and doesn't look back because he knows that if he were to look the entity would be there and Mutsuki doesn't want to lose himself again.

He doesn't stop until he ends up stumbling into someone else, and even then, he's still trying to escape, but there are arms holding him now, and then steadier when Mutsuki begins to whimper, beg to be let go.

'__suki, what's wrong? hey, list__ __ __ __ou're okay!' He hears Shirazu's voice, and then there's movement. Mutsuki's stopped talking, stopped shaking, by the time he realizes Shirazu's walked him to the living room. It's still raining, and it's the actual thing that brings Mutsuki back into reality.

It takes him a couple of minutes, before he separates himself from Shirazu, he rubs his eyes.

             'I'm fine, sorry, I just... sorry.' Mutsuki tries to look at Shirazu, but then off to the side he spots the person, and he feels his gut tighten. His gaze ends up staying there, and he doesn't hear Shirazu speaking. He does however, notice how the entity hasn't moved for their spot, isn't moving. Just stares, not at Mutsuki exactly ( though he wouldn't know ) and Shirazu's now looking at the spot.

Of course, he doesn't see anything, if the look of confusion and concern drawn on his face is anything to go by. He places one hand on Mutsuki's shoulder and Mutsuki welcomes the distraction, doesn't eye the entity anymore.

             'Ya sure you're okay?' He asks, and Mutsuki nods, swallows.

             'I just had a nightmare, that's all.' He says, tries to say, but his eyes do end up drifting off towards the spot where the entity is, or was. Mutsuki blinks, and then rubs his eyes. There's nothing there anymore, and he doesn't know if the thought is comforting or isn't.

He doesn't get to mull over it for long though, Shirazu as squad leader doesn't deem having Mutsuki on the verge of losing it as good, so the morning is spent in what Mutsuki can only describe as a comforting session.

He doesn't mind it, welcomes it even, anything as long as he can forget about the feeling of imminent doom out of his skin.

( Of course, it is easier said than done, but in the end he forgets about it briefly ) 

 

**\- - -**

 

Despite the fact that he more or less ended up freaking out a couple of days before when the entity decided to move and the whole situation dawned on Mutsuki ( because, in his room was something that was most likely death and Mutsuki, he's not religious and doesn't follow any type of faith or belief, but even he knows what's wrong with having a dead person... _something_ , in a near proximity. What makes it worse is the fact that only him himself is able to see the person, and the fact that he managed to remain calm and even was the one to  _initiate_  contact made him freak out, because that was not supposed to be his reactions towards it. The freaking out? a more normal reaction. It still doesn't erase the fact that _Mutsuki_ touched them. ) and he ended up reacting, the next time he spotted the entity, he didn't pay much attention to it.

Okay, that is a lie. Maybe he did spend a lot of time staring whenever they appeared. Sometimes they were there when the squad was having a movie night, just standing. Mutsuki never knows if they're watching the movie or if they're just being there to be a bother, but they never stay long. Sometimes, it's when Mutsuki's walking to the bathroom and the entity is there, just staring at a wall, sometimes walking, like they own the house. Other times, Mutsuki finds them near windows, a lot, specially around the time sunsets are due. But it's all the same, doesn't matter if Mutsuki catches a glimpse of the entity out of the corner of his eye, in the living room, kitchen, Shirazu's bedroom, _Mutsuki's bedroom._ The entity doesn't bother looking at Mutsuki, nor do they try to initiate contact.

If Mutsuki were another person, he'd ignore it. The entity's presence was barely noticeable except for the drop in temperature of the room they were in, or sometimes, the lingering feeling of death that seemed to be more prominent at days. But because he isn't, he finds his thoughts at times when he's a meetings, drifting off towards the entity and what they did when they weren't in the chateau. 

Even though Mutsuki's the only one ( so far ) to be able to see them, he doubts that the entity follows him around, so he comes to the conclusion that maybe the chateau is somehow related to the entity.

If Mutsuki says that he hasn't grown used to the presence, to the point where if he sees them walking around, or if he wakes up to find them inside his bedroom, he doesn't mind ( with of course, the exception of his room, but those are rare moments ), then well, frankly he's a liar.

( And he's not sure if the thought of growing accustomed to his own little secret, was a good idea. ) 

And if sometimes, when's he going over through his paperwork, and the sudden change of temperature is his only warning of the new added presence, Mutsuki doesn't bother looking up until he's finished. Then when he does, and finds the entity sitting down, eyes scanning the papers, not with familiarity or understanding, just gazing, staring, _trying_ to understand ( and Mutsuki can't tell and it bothers him, because their eyes are so big and so closed, and it's not fair. ) and they still don't look or acknowledge Mutsuki. He wonders out loud, who they are, and what happened to them, then he doesn't notice, or doesn't choose to acknowledge it.

 

**\- - -**

 

It's only when he wakes up and finds the entity sitting at the edge of his bed, staring right at him. That Mutsuki realizes that he no longer is able to tell the difference between being alive and dead.

( But of course he does, because when the entity is near, it's like breaths and heartbeats cease to exist, and when they leave, his body reacts  instantly. It's not a pleasant feeling, the feeling of something crushing his lungs and heartbeat and letting it go instantly, without a warning. )

and Mutsuki worries and begins to grow weary.

 

**\- - -**

 

It's when, they're back at the CCG and Sasaki's scolding him ( oh no, but that's the nicest way to say it ) over his thoughtless and careless decisions over one of their missions, that Mutsuki for the first time in his time with his squad, can't help but feel a prick of annoyment bubbling up, he doesn't say anything that he'd regret  later of course, doesn't mean he doesn't think about it.

He realizes that the line between life and death, the line that separated both, seemed to be such a fragile thing that Mutsuki no longer seemed to differentiate between the two anymore. And he knows, there's only one person to blame.

So what if his actions almost led him right towards Torso? ( who seems to be always away from the CCG grasp ) That's what he wanted, he wanted to end the memories, the calling. He wanted to wipe the smile from his face when he began to spout nonsense about Mutsuki ( but it's not Mutsuki, because Mutsuki's not a _she_ , it's _he he he_ ) and so what, if he was already wounded and had no chance of delivering a fatal blow? He almost had him, but Sasaki _had_ to step in.

That night, he makes himself two promises. He ends up with the idea of drinking away the feeling, despite the fact that it was not something he had found himself wanting to do, but let's face it, he was about to head back to the chateau to confront and demand what the entity wanted, and having thoughts about a ghoul misgendering him were making hims our enough, leaving a tightness in his gut that he absolutely despised. If he drank, then that meant he could forget if momentarily just for the right amount of time to seek answers.

 

**\- - -**

 

He doesn't end up drinking, it seemed disgusting at the time the idea of it ( He doesn't want it to become an addiction, and doesn't want it to become the answer to his panic and anxiety attacks ) . He does however, calm himself by jogging and reading until he's had enough and then finally has enough energy to suck it up and finally open the door to his bedroom, where unsurprisingly the entity is at. They're standing, just where they were the first time Mutsuki touched them.

This time, Mutsuki doesn't bother closing the door, doesn't bother walking forward. He grits his teeth.

             ' _What_ do you want with me? Why are you here? I-' He groans, 'I already have enough with Torso, and now I have to deal with you? _Who_ are you?'

Mutsuki's annoyance only seem to increase when he doesn't receive a reply. He stomps forward, ignores the cold ( and how nice, at least today he doesn't have to worry about breathing death ) and grabs the entity's shoulder, shakes him. He feels the stiffening of the body and slowly the entity faces him.

For the first time in Mutsuki's life, he sees something akin to annoyance flicker in those huge eyes, and the faintest pull of eyebrows furrowing. There is a scowl on the entity's face, and Mutsuki can't find the will to even care. He's only feeling good because he's finally managed a reaction out of the entity.

And then he realizes, that maybe the entity doesn't have anything to do with his recklessness. Mutsuki himself is the one bringing everything towards him.

( He can't blame drinking, scarcely, when he's misgendered, there are other methods to ignore it. He can't blame his recklessness on the ghost, because Mutsuki could easily avoid them, avoid having to think that death and life were the same thing. )

Then, it almost feels like time's stopped, once more, and the entity speaks.

             'What?' they ask, and Mutsuki blinks, whatever fire fueling his anger gone that instant. He didn't expect the voice to sound so normal... but then he shakes his head.

             'Who are you, what are you doing in my room?' 

He's met with silence for what seems like an eternity.

             'I don't know.' They answer and the frown on their face is more visible now. 'I don't know.' They repeat.

Mutsuki raises an eyebrow, and with a lot of effort manages to move his hand from the shoulder. It feels cold, not numb, just cold. 'You don't know what?'

The entity's gaze moves around the room, and then their gaze ends up on Mutsuki's hands, trail upwards his arms and then towards his face. They lock eyes with green ones.

             '...This is your room.' They say, finally, and Mutsuki nods, not really knowing where this is going. 'I think, it was mine.'

Then, before Mutsuki can utter a question, the entity speaks again.

             'This room, is mine, and you-' they go to bring a hand up to touch Mutsuki, and Mutsuki can't help but flinch, and the entity stops. 'Yes, it's your room.'

Mutsuki's sort of surprised when the entity takes a step back and rubs their face, frustrated most likely. Then begins to mutter a lot of things under their breath, nothing that Mutsuki understands.

It's then that something in Mutsuki's brain clicks and he licks his lips, 'You never told me your name.'

At this the entity stops, and slowly looks at Mutsuki, they open their mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

It takes Mutsuki a minute to formulate another question, and there's something akin to pity taking place in his stomach now, replacing the negative emotions with which he barged in earlier. 'You do know who you are... right?'

Mutsuki counts thirty heartbeats ( which seem to be so slow ) before he recieves an answer.

             'No.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where interaction finally begins. As for Mutsuki getting drunk ( what's with the tag 'Drinking to Cope' ) I don't plan for it to be always there, just a subject that's touched upon, of course, Mutsuki knows that it's not a way to solve his problems, but hey, he's done it once ( and a couple of times more ) and he's yet to find an alternative that gives him the blissfulness that is forgetting ( if momentarily ). He's only worried because as an investigator, he shouldn't be getting drunk, who knows when they might need him.


	6. Chapter 6

**06.**

There's something extremely alarming with the current situation, and Mutsuki knows that no amount of calm thinking for any sort of possible solution ( to something he's pretty sure he's not qualified to solve, let alone _try_ to ) to the spirit's answer, will get them anywhere soon.

It's not that he doesn't bother trying, it's just that he has a hard time grasping the whole thing. It slips from his hands, his understanding, on how someone can't be able to remember _who_ they are. He can't begin to imagine what it'd feel like to lose all memories that made him, who he currently is. Sure, he could do without the most sour ones ( like the death of his family, for example ) but even though he'd rather forget about it, he knows that those _shaped_ him into what he is today. 

He's a second rank ghoul investigator, a quinx, he's hardworking and reliable, and sure he might have not _been_ the best when he started, but things happen for a reason and he's good, _better._ He's selfless when he needs to be and pretty damn good at working under pressure. It might not be all of the things he is, but he knows what makes him be himself. 

So it's not exactly pity that manages to make his chest tighten. It's more of a selfish fear, of ending up like the entity. Not only dead but apparently not knowing who they are ( were? ) or why they're around. It makes sense now, he realizes with a bite of his tongue as he ponders on what exactly to say, the way the entity's eyes aren't always focused, like they're not mentally in the room, somewhere else. Sometimes, when Mutsuki's aware, they seem to be just there, walking but not paying attention.

Mutsuki decides that he can't really pity the entity much, because, well they're _dead_. And then, he clings to that fact. They're dead, and the dead, well they don't care, right?

In the end, he opens his mouth to say something ( maybe change the subject ) but he can't find anything to say, so he shuts it again. The entity doesn't seem to mind, but then again, Mutsuki's sure that that's the entity's last of worries. He can't quite tell if the entity seems to be getting frustrated or simply having a nervous breakdown, because as many of those he's had in the past year, he's still not sure what to do.

And then, he feels kind of stupid all of the sudden. It's the thought of his freak out a couple of weeks ago, when he first initiated contact, decided to actually acknowledge the entity. How when he decided to confront them he couldn't tear his gaze away from his soulless, empty, big eyes. How when he touched the white porcelain skin all he felt was coldness that in no way should be possible and the lingering feeling of death, he grips his thumb, and then remembers the feeling of flesh rotting. It's peculiar how all of those things right now don't seem to bother him, mainly because he the smell of death isn't potent. 

Still there, just barely noticeable.

Anyways. It's not the entity that scared him entirely, sure it's disturbing knowing there's someone dead walking round the chateau with only Mutsuki knowing of it's existence. But he can't help but realize that it's not entity but the lingering feelings and emotions and aura that set off the alarms in his head, making him freak out and retreat, natural instincts of course, but those, he learns to ignore if it means he's going to bolt. Freaking out on near-death situations don't help anybody. 

He briefly wonders if he'd be able to touch the entity again, like last time. Because when they tried to reach out for Mutsuki, they're hand went right through his body, which left his wrist tingling. 

Mutsuki licks his lips, and the action doesn't go ignored. The entity's eyes, staring behind Tooru, settle back into his face and then to his lips, they remain there and Mutsuki sighs. 

             'Do you, ah... know how you died?' and when he asks, he can't help but feel like a senseless jerk. It's probably rude to ask the dead those types of things right?

The entity's face is back to his neutral expression, but the eyes aren't dull anymore. Mutsuki can't tell the feelings going through them, and it should be so easy ( what a pity really ) but not everything in life manages to make something easy for Mutsuki.

He doesn't get a reply.

Mutsuki shifts on one foot, shoves his hands on his pockets and raises an eyebrow.

             'You're not much of a talker, are you?' 

             '...' The entity seems to hesitate briefly before they answer, 'No.'

Mutsuki can't help but hum. Anything to get rid of the silence. There's so many questions he wants to ask, so many things he needs to know because why is he the only able to see him? Had he been cursed by some ghoul who practiced on the occult arts? Or was his luck simply bad luck lurking in corners ready to throw a next surprise down his throat.

He's so lost in his thoughts, that he doesn't realize that the entity is no longer in his field of vision and he can't help but stiffen. He quickly whips around and scans the room, and finds the entity leaving through the door which he had left open early. Mutsuki lets out a colorful curse under his breath, hoping that none of his teammates had been walking past or listening too closely. Specially Shirazu, whose hearing is better than Saiko's and Mutsuki's, he can't have the guy worrying and stressing moreover Mutsuki, at least not right now.

Mutsuki knows that either way, closed or not, the entity could've gone right through the door. The only good thing that came out of not closing it is that Mutsuki doesn't lose sight of the entity, and so he starts to follow at his own pace. He tries calling, softly, but the entity doesn't stop.

             'Hey, I'm not joking could you please come back here? I still don't know what's going on!' He doubts the entity knows any more than Mutsuki, but he's really feeling like getting answers. So he does end up raising his voice a bit. 

At that exact moment, once they're nearing the corner to the living room, a door opens and Saiko steps out. Mutsuki freezes on his spot instantly, and turns to look at Saiko. The girl's still on her pajamas, despite the fact that it's barely 4pm, and Mutsuki knows she's been sleeping because her hair's down and knotted. No sign of pigtails in sight. 

Saiko rubs her eyes, and then looks at Mutsuki.

They stay like that for what seems like an eternity before Mutsuki breaks the silence with a smile and a small laugh.

             'Well, you seem like you're spending your afternoon fantastically.' Apparently it's the right thing to say, because Saiko's searching gaze suddenly stops being so _intense_ , if it's a word to be used, and she gives Mutsuki a lazy smile.

             'Hmm, sure am.' 

Mutsuki's eye flicker to the side, where he watches the entity's back disappear around the corner. If Saiko notices Mutsuki's shifting and slight movements towards the entity, she doesn't say anything. Instead comes out fully out of her room and joins Mutsuki at his side.

             'I'm getting hot chocolate, come.' Saiko says and Mutsuki watches as she walks towards the living room to head towards the kitchen, he blinks and then follows after. No point in denying Saiko's "invitation". He likes how they know what they actually mean and want with a simple few words.

Plus, it's not like he doesn't want to spend time with Saiko, even if it means using her just to keep an eye on the entity. Once they reach the living room, Mutsuki makes a quick check of it, searching for the entity, doesn't find them anywhere. So he keeps walking with Saiko, who's humming softly to the song of a game that Mutsuki's played with her before.

Once they reach the kitchen, Mutsuki once more makes a quick lookover of the area. He only feels more confident in knowing that he's actually right of the entity not being with them, because the lack of a cold room is the biggest giveaway. He pushes the disappointment bubbling up in his stomach at the fact that he won't be able to ask his questions.

             'So, chocolate. Right.' He mutters, and out of the corner of his eye, he watches as Saiko hops up into a stool and sets her gaming console up in the kitchen island. She immediately picks up  her game and begins to play it. 

The kitchen's silent except for the sound of the game's soundtrack and Mutsuki's movement of mugs and opening up cabinets and putting some sweet stuffs to add to the hot chocolate. 

Mutsuki becomes so focused on the hot chocolate, that he doesn't notice when the temperature drops. As he fills Saiko's mug and adds a lot of marshmellows to it, he turns around and stumbles back with a small intake of breath when he finds the entity standing right behind Saiko. His eyes trained on Mutsuki.

He places his free hand to his heart, beating erratically. His eye moves towards Saiko and he's somewhat glad that she's so focused on her game that she didn't seem to notice what just happened.  Mutsuki can't find the will to care over the spilled burning chocolate on his skin, it's barely a tingle, so it doesn't bother him. The floor though, that's another story.

He grabs the other mug, ( he'll drink from the one he managed to spill, it wasn't a lot anyways ) and places it on the island stand. Right in front of Saiko. She looks up from her game and immediately grabs the mug with one hand. She frowns into the mug before drinking it.

             'I'm a growing girl, where are the marshmallows?' She asks, and Mutsuki snorts. The mug's filled up to the top with little marshmallows.

And then he stops finding it funny because with the way Saiko's blue eyes are looking at him, he realizes that she's not joking.

             'Oh. You're not kidding.' He says, but his gaze ends up moving towards the entity. They're still staring at him.

             'Does this sound like a joke to you?' Saiko says, melodramatic tone slipping into her soft voice. 'I could die, from not being fed properly.'

             'I-' he wants to say, ask why she's not aware of the entity right _next to her_ , practically touching her. But instead he shuts his mouth and then replies with a roll of his eyes. Without taking his eyes from the entity, who seems as determined as Mutsuki to not break eye contact, he reaches for the marshmallows bag and hands it to Saiko. 'Drama queen.'

Saiko ignores the comment and with a soft _'yay'_  and manages to pour half of the bag into her already full mug. Making the surrounding area a battlefield for those fallen marshmallows. 

Mutsuki sighs, just for show before he grabs his mug and shakes his head. 'I'm spoiling you.'

Saiko's reply is a nod, and the she's once more focused on the game and the mug. Mutsuki on the other hand, is still staring at the entity. They're not paying attention to Saiko in the slightest, and under the gaze, Mutsuki can't quite help but feeling like he's being judged.

It's only when he can't take the staring no more that he frowns and opens his mouth ( not with any particular comment in mind ), but is cut off by Saikos voice.

             'Talking to yourself is a sign of being a genius you know.'

Mutsuki chokes on air.

He hears a scoff that's not Saiko's.

             'W-what?'

             'I heard you. Talking.' She says, pauses the game and then looks at her mug with a frown. She gets down from her stool and then takes her mug, she's beginning to retreat to her bedroom and Mutsuki's too confused to say or do anything. 'just saying, in case anyone asks.'

Then she proceeds to leave Mutsuki alone.

( Quite literally, because the second she's gone, Mutsuki doesn't find the entity anywhere. )

 

**\- - -**

 

He doesn't see the entity until a week later, and it's only when he's down at the training rooms. He's been working out for a couple of hours, and he only decides to stop and see if the entity's up to any sort of conversation when he's having a hard time breathing and he's completely covered in sweat.

As he walks towards the entity, who's sitting down on a corner and looking at the ceiling, he grabs a nearby towel and dries his face and neck. There's strands of hair loose from his bob and he makes a mental note of getting it cut. He actually wanted to, before being promoted, but for some reasons he can't quite recall, kept his usual hairstyle. 

Once he was near the entity, he looked around and tried to listen for any sounds of other's coming inside the training rooms. He's going to be more careful now, because after Saiko's comment, he fears that the other two would find out and decide that there's something wrong with him, which there isn't. But they wouldn't believe the guy who talks to 'himself'.

He's oddly surprised when he sits down, cross legged, just in front of the entity. That they actually look down and acknowledge him. Somehow the entity seems more, _here_ , and not quite lost in his own thoughts. Mutsuki doesn't say anything, because the entity begins speaking. 

Mutsuki takes this opportunity to start drinking water.

             'You aren't human completely. None of you are.' They start and Mutsuki raises an eyebrow, 'I... I can't remember, but there's something bad in your body.'

             'Built-in quinques.' He states automatically. He's gotten so used to explaining to his colleagues at the CCG, the ones who dared compared them to ghouls, that it's become natural. 

The entity doesn't seem to know what that is, but they nod, and then frown. 'You're an investigator. I think... no. I know. My father, he was also an investigator.'

Mutsuki's eye widen at this, and then he thinks that maybe there's some relation here. 'Do you know your father's name?' Maybe he could find out who he is, ask him questions about this entity, who apparently is his child. 

The entity looks offended for a second there, like it's impossible for them to forget their father's name. But when they open their mouth to talk and nothing comes out, they let out a breath. Their voice is devoid of emotion and it sounds just a bit more closed up. 'His last name, Kuki. He's dead.'

_Oh._

The entity closes their eyes. 'I was his only son, I think. I don't know how or when he died, and it must've been a long time ago because I can't seem to find the will to... grieve.' 

They said son, right? He's not really sure on what pronouns to use and he really hates to guess instead of asking. But something tells him to just start referring to them as 'he', he's sort of afraid to ask. If he derails the conversation, he might not get anything.

             'Why bring it up now?' He asks, genuinely curious.

             'It just came into mind. You investigator's, you don't look like investigators...'

Mutsuki can't help but raise an eyebrow, his lips twitching downwards. 'What do you mean by that?'

The entity gives him a leveled look, and he scoffs. His eyes are no longer on Mutsuki anymore, like he suddenly doesn't deem him important enough to even look at. 

             'Exactly what you think I meant.'

The only reason as to why Mutsuki doesn't leave it's because he feels like he's withholding a comment, and that maybe he didn't mean it as an offense. He doesn't get to hear the comment though, because then he hears footsteps and he sighs. Stands up and walks towards the door.

There's no point in whoever's coming finding him facing the wall.

At least he leaves with _some_ progress. 

( As soon as he's in his bedroom, he writes down the last name and the fact that the man's dead. It'll be easier to look him up when Mutsuki has the time. ) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, I didn't update last week, sorry.  
> I have such a hard time writing Saiko for some reason,  
> I can't quite get into her character, writing wise.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mutsuki spends money, does some snooping around and realizes that the entity's not the only one who likes to wander around.

**07.**

 Sometimes, Mutsuki forgets just how much time he spends with Juuzou ( and therefore Hanbee ) when he's not hanging out or being around the chateau, which is, quite a little bit of time. Sasaki tells him to not worry, that it's actually good that he's stopped being so cooped up in the place, that it's "progress" that Mutsuki's at least out interacting, seeing as Shirazu and Saiko don't do that sort of thing. Which in itself is weird, because Shirazu's mostly outgoing and manages to have attention on himself even without trying, but then again, they've all changed.

So maybe they've switched roles? Saiko's at least trying to venture out of the confines of her room more often, which to Sasaki ( who Mutsuki's starting to believe that maybe the man sees them all as his children ) is an utter delight. Maybe he's too happy coddling Saiko to actually care about Mutsuki's new found extraversion and Shirazu's slight decline into a more calm and quiet attitude.

Either way, they're not bad changes per see. Since people are often changing and adapting. But it does get a little bit concerning when Mutsuki begins to realize that he can most-often-than-not, identify Suzuya's current stream of thoughts with just a simple flicker of his gaze on them. Not a long look, not observing him, simply a flicker of gaze.

Therefore, it's obvious that if he's able to decipher moods and thoughts from someone who's so erratic and apparently gained the nickname of _Problem Child_ ( he can _hear_ the capital letters on the nickname, and he remembers faintly a rumour of Suzuya biting a security mall's ear off. ) then said _problem child_  could, without a single doubt, read Mutsuki like an open book for the world to see. Added for effect and to gain more attention, displayed on a glass case with neon signs pointing at it. 

Which is why he's become somewhat scared for the past few weeks. Juuzou's quick to point out whenever Mutsuki's hiding something or being bothered by something, and while he appreciates the thoughtfulness of the investigator caring for him enough to actually bother looking for those signs, it's gone from being endearing and sweet ( and not only to say somewhat creepy ) to inconvenient.

Because Mutsuki's trying to keep a secret. Not because he's selfish and doesn't want others to know ( _heavens no_! He'd actually loved for someone else to _know_ , to be able to understand, so he'd feel a little less crazy. A little bit more _sane_. ) but it's already hard work trying to not make the others suspicious of him whenever he's caught talking him "himself", he doesn't need Suzuya assuming there's something wrong.

So if he takes Juuzou out to that new and totally expensive smoothie place that they've been going off about non-stop since it opened up, and Mutsukis' paying for everything the black-haired investigator orders, because Juuzou's spent half of the meeting they had that morning back at Headquarters staring at Mutsuki as if trying to find something, then Mutsuki waves a nonchalant hand in the air and shoves the smoothing into Suzuya's face with promises of this outing just being something that came out of nowhere.

He _is_ allowed to spend time with a friend. Outside deadly scenarios, that is. 

He _does not_ weep silently over the money spent on the ridiculous huge smoothie, and decides when smiling doesn't work and Suzuya's still hasn't pried their eyes away from Mutsuki, that maybe he should drink the smoothie he ordered for himself.

He tears his eyes away from Juuzou quickly and brings the straw to his mouth. The drink is strawberry, and hell, he hates strawberry. He cringes when the smoothie goes down his throat and he catches movement in front of him, so his eyes go back to Juuzou who has an amused look on their face, no doubt having already found what they were looking for, before kicking back and bringing both feet up the table and taking the smoothie in hand.

Mutsuki nearly has a heart attack, though he's not quite sure if it's because Juuzou's rude manners will bring them both to attention and therefore be outed by someone who works in the place or because Juuzou's managed to figure _something_ out.

He ends up taking solace in the fact that it's _something_ and not _the_ thing. Juuzou couldn't possibly know just by looking right? It's impossible yet...

The ruby-eyed investigator makes a big show out of drinking half of the smoothie in one long drawn-out sip and smiling wide before they speak. Mutsuki's still trying to figure out how such a petite body handles so many sweetss and so much food ( because, oh, he's been there before. Juuzou is a pretty big eater, despite what their appearance might otherwise suggest ).

             ' _You_ , are hiding something.' They point an accusing finger at Mutsuki, 'and I've figured it out.'

Mutsuki can't quite avoid the sharp intake of breath that manages to sound, so he takes another sip from the drink and then speaks. 'You have?'

Juuzou simply nods and then drinks from their straw, and after a long silence their eyebrows furrow. Their eyes lay on Mutsuki and when they speak it's full of that tone that Mutsuki's come to know as the 'it's your fault' voice, 'I mean, I _will_.'

Mutsuki almost lets out a relieved sigh.

_Almost._

             '-But I do know that it's some sort of secret. I'm inclined to believe you either met someone - and that someone might be a bad influence on you or is probably illegal or _doing_ something illegal - you don't want anyone knowing about _or_ you did something and it's probably so fucked up that it's eating you alive. The guilt, that is.'

 _Damn_ , it's all Mutsuki can think about because a) he's spent too much time gaping at Juuzou's deduction and therefore giving them the knowledge that one of those options is actually correct and b) they're too smart, he needs to be more careful.

After some thinking, in which he ends up downing like half of the smoothie before Juuzou takes pity on him and takes the drink away, Mutsuki manages to come up with a decent question that doesn't let Juuzou take anything from it. 'And you came to this conclusion _because..._ '

             'When people are holding a conversation with you, you tend to be somewhere else mentally, your eyes tend to look over people's shoulders whenever you're with them in a room and that doesn't exclude the fact that your gaze derails often as if searching for something or someone, you have been far too reckless when it comes to fighting lately and that either means you're not caring a whole lot about your life which only leads me to believe you've had a near-death experience that - ah, no wait let me finish - has left an imprint in the way you see things or you're trying to become Arima. Which, no. It's not possible and yes, I mean it because no you cannot fight off a ghoul with an umbrella. Also, I'm leaning more towards near-death experiences which would explain some of your odd behaviour quirks - which no, I will not talk about right now because it will derail the conversation - lately, but being near someone who inspires those sort of feelings is also possible.' They shrug and then keep on talking.

             'And whether you like it or not, you can't blame me because the only thing that's been rubbing off on you from me is my sweet tooth, Sasaki's too good of a person, and the other two from your little group aren't exactly reckless. So it is someone who's outside of the CCG and definetely a bad influence.' They stop briefly, and after some consideration add; 'that's if we're going with the 'someone' theory.'

Juuzou proceeds to finish the strawberry smoothie with a satisfied look on their face, as if not moments ago they've finished analyzing Mutsuki. Mutsuki's brain's circuited.

He's ashamed to admit that it takes him at least ten minutes to come up with something, and in that time Juuzou had taken some money out of Mutsuki's wallet and bought themselves another smoothie and a slice of cake. By the time they've sat down again, this time without putting feet up on tables, Mutsuki's only managed a groan out of his mouth.

Baby steps.

             'Alright, that's creepy. Just-' He can already feel the incoming migraine making its way into his skull, 'Don't. Don't do that ever again.'

He's never heard Juuzou talk for so long before, and it's disturbing, somewhat.

Juuzou beams at him, the look would've been adorable on their childish face, mouth surrounded by little traces of cake crumbs and frosting, but it just makes Mutsuki's frown deepen. 'So I'm right?'

Mutsuki sighs, 'I feel like there's another idea I'm not hearing, care to share?'

Juuzou hesitates briefly and Mutsuki obviously catches it, so they did meant for him to see it. They give him one of those smiles that makes Mutsuki's stomach tighten, because he knows what's coming. Gosh, he just didn't expect it to be from Juuzou.

             'Yeah, the other one is that you're losing it. Can't blame you though, Torso's a real fucker.' They lower their gaze to their plate and Mutsuki watches as the fork they have in hand, pierces the cherry on the plate before it's brought up to pale lips. 'They've started to notice you know? I'd like to believe you're fine, but we're investigators, being fine doesn't come with the job description. Although, I know at least you're the sanest out of the two right.'

It's not meant as a question, it's a statement.

It leaves a sour taste at the back of his throat. 

And Mutsuki's not really sure if that's the case at all, at least not anymore.

 

**\- - -**

 

What Mutsuki realizes over the course of days, is that getting any sort of information regarding past expeditions by the CCG is a bitch to get. Specially when you're a rank two. So yes, he does grow frustrated when he's not able to get the information pertaining the entity's father's family. It's worse when he's asked why exactly he needs the information.

If he were another person, he'd question his superiors about why they'd keep such information locked up. But he doesn't. Too busy trying to come up with other ways to get his hands on it. Excuses don't work ( 'Oh, I just wanted to visit his family because I've known them from before.' 'I used to have classes with his son.' ) and when sneaking in doesn't either, he stops altogether.

It's a good thing that he doesn't see the entity for a whole two weeks though. Which means he can push the guilt of not trying hard enough back into the darkest parts of his mind. He does however, come to know that Shirazu apparently has insomnia and likes to walk around the chateau until dawn.

Which is how Mutsuki spends his nights ( mornings? ) with his teammate watching movies in Shirazu's bedroom. 

He doesn't mind really, apparently he's not the only going through some rough shit ( and no, he's fine, he just likes to murmur really loudly, if anyone asks him ) and besides, Shirazu has it worse.

             'It's just so fuckin' infuriatin' cause I'm not able to freaking wield it, it's just so-' He doesn't finish, groans out and then runs his hands through his hair. He tends to do that a lot when stressed, Mutsuki notices.

             'Give it time, it'll come to you.' He says and smiles. He likes it when Shirazu smiles back, it takes away the attention from the dark circles underneath his eyes. At least his smile doesn't show how tired ( physically and mentally ) he is. 

             'I dunno. Sassan even said the same thing. 'S just too frustrating, I-I keep getting flashbacks, stupid things.' He sighs and then plops down on his bed. Mutsuki follows suit.

             'You know, I've read in the internet that sometimes, making some changes can help overcome stuff. Like doing something small or big, it's the difference that matters. Maybe you could try that?' Mutsuki turns his face to look at Shirazu, he's staring at the ceiling. 'If you want, we could do something together.'

( He's not offering to join because he feels like there is something wrong with him, totally not. ) 

It takes Shirazu a couple of minutes, and Mutsuki can clearly see the way Shirazu's thinking over his words. Then he smiles, all sharp teeth, and turns to look at Mutsuki. 

             'I've got an idea.'

 

**\- - -**

 

That is how they both end up cutting their hairs the next day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was like my favorite chapter to write. Sorry for the lack of Urie ( not really, eh ). I'm updating at 1am in the morning. What has my life come to?


End file.
